T-minus nine … and counting.

Not nine degrees (although, yes, the weather could have qualified as an Arctic training simulation). We’re talking nine seconds before the first book club astronaut arrived, when Mission Control — call sign: My Valentine — experienced a critical systems failure.

“Houston, we have a problem. Repeat, we have a problem … where is the ice?!”

After a swift three-second EVA (extra-vehicular annoyance), the ice was located in the secondary storage module — also known as the snowbank outside. Mission parameters restored.

With oxygen levels stabilized and panic narrowly avoided, final pre-launch checks were confirmed:

The February mission? Atmosphere by Taylor Jenkins Reid.

Full disclosure from Mission Control: The captain had not read the book prior to liftoff. Somewhere between orbital training and emotional re-entry, it became clear this was not exactly the trajectory originally plotted. A minor risk-assessment oversight.

So what does a captain do when the spacecraft deviates from course?

Adapt.
Improvise.
Stabilize morale.

Enter last call: The Hummer — officially designated emotional life-support.

With Hummers in hand, the crew didn’t just discuss Atmosphere. They:

Through shared laughter and spirited debate, the crew achieved emotional re-entry without burning up.

Mission Status: SUCCESS. The February Book Club officially completed its love-themed journey into Atmosphere.

A heartfelt thank-you to the brave crew — and the clean-up command — who navigated stairs, subzero temperatures and snowbank storage systems with 100% compliance.

End transmission.