I love hearing this question: Mom, can I talk to you about something? Inside I’m smiling because this means the door to communication is open. With two 12-year-old daughters, we are sitting on the edge of those infamously tumultuous teenage years, and I want the door to self-expression swung fully open as they make the journey to adulthood. Do I think they will tell me everything? No. Nor should they. Privacy is an essential right of every human. If they can come to me or their dad on their own, it means they see us as safe. This is what we want. The door to talking about things is always open. When hard things happen, they will know we are there for them on the sidelines.

We do our best to give them all the training and the tools and let them play the (life) game. We stay attuned to them while we trust and let go.

Viewing my role as a coach is probably the most clarifying and cathartic bit of parenthood advice I’ve ever read. When we can picture it, we can be it. We all know what a coach does. A coach leads, rallies the team, speaks belief into players and strategizes. A coach sees strengths and possibilities, fosters resilience and sets expectations higher than what a player might think is possible, so that they rise. (In other words, a coach doesn’t run onto the field and start playing the game for their player.)

If I didn’t have this parenting hack of seeing myself as a coach, I might be a mama bear, ready to attack when a threat appears to my baby cubs. Or I’d be a barnacle, attached to them, unable to pry myself off so I can always ensure they are safe, are never disappointed and make the right decisions.

I’m kidding, but it’s hard to let go as a parent when we love our kids and know the world will invariably knock them around. There is no escaping getting hurt in life. We can’t teach them “you can do it” if we do it for them. If we run interference all the time, or erode their confidence all the time, our kids will never become adults with agency or the capacity to cope.

Our kids gain independence, self-belief and the ability to problem-solve every time we let them be frustrated and figure it out, or every time they are disappointed and we are there with supportive hugs and words but not our own toolkits. “You can do hard things” works better than “let me make life easier for you.” More coach, teacher, guide and child whisperer. Less micromanager, critic, reactor and fixer.

As a mom, I’ve learned so much. As parents, we are coaches as well as cheerleaders and fans. Our faces light up when our kids enter the room, sending them the message that they are loved and valued. We cheer them on, celebrate their wins and drum up positivity so they can tap into the energy of their support crew when needed.

We all know our kids need our unconditional love and support more than anything else, but they also need to know that we are their safe space. We can create this safe space with a loving home, encouraging open communication, setting clear boundaries, deploying empathy, practicing attunement or deep listening, and asking ourselves: What does our home feel like? Or: Where can we stand to improve as parents?

No one wants the coach who has a big fit or tantrum. When our kids lose their cool, we find our calm. When our kids trigger us, we pause and select our response instead of becoming triggered, because that’s what adults do. We can’t expect kids or teens to model self-regulation if the adults around them don’t.

Nothing shuts a door faster than yelling. No one likes to be yelled at. Yelling causes fear and anger and teaches kids that making mistakes is shameful. Screaming or shouting is jarring to a nervous system and quickly teaches kids that their parents are unsafe and unpredictable.

Our kids are not us. We remember that our kids are not adults in small bodies. They are kids, taking in the world and its complicated dynamics for the first time. They do not experience and process with the life experience that adults possess. Here we benefit by showing curiosity, trying to see what they see, and remembering what it was like to be that age, instead of swooping in with a wisdom dump.

Our kids need us to see them so they can see themselves. The first picture kids get of themselves is through our eyes, and their inner voice forms based on how we talk to them. We nurture who they are by creating a healthy environment for them to grow and recharge.

Some of my favorite parenting sentences include:

A coach shouldn’t love a player only when they perform well on the field. It’s an inherent right for every child to be loved without performing. No child should have to earn their parents’ love. Unconditional love doesn’t come with conditions. Creating a coach-like environment where everyone feels seen, safe, heard and supported cultivates an environment where kids can thrive.

I hope our daughters will always ask, Can I talk to you?