When Family Love Means Making Difficult Decisions
Readers ask Michele how to handle painful family situations with care and confidence.
My elderly mother has the onset of dementia and other health complications. My siblings and I agree it is unsafe for her to drive. My father, her full-time caretaker, also agrees, however he feels it’s easier to let her drive rather than have daily confrontations with her when she grows angry and frustrated if he tries to stop her. How can we help?
I understand that navigating this situation is very challenging. To help preserve your mother’s sense of independence and decrease confrontations for your father, I recommend shifting the focus to medical and legal requirements.
Given her diagnosis of dementia and other health complications, her physician can provide a formal recommendation that she no longer drive. Your father can then explain that this is a medical and DMV requirement rather than his personal decision. He may need to reiterate this daily, so it is helpful to keep the doctor's letter accessible to show her. Additionally, ensure the car keys are kept out of reach; providing her with a non-working key can sometimes help her feel that her keys haven't been "taken."
I suggest that you meet as a family first to coordinate a plan. Afterward, hold a family meeting including your father, mother, and siblings—via Zoom if necessary—to ensure everyone is aligned. While these steps are difficult, they are essential for the safety of your mother and others, as well as for your father's well-being. Take care.
Given her diagnosis of dementia and other health complications, her physician can provide a formal recommendation that she no longer drive. Your father can then explain that this is a medical and DMV requirement rather than his personal decision. He may need to reiterate this daily, so it is helpful to keep the doctor's letter accessible to show her. Additionally, ensure the car keys are kept out of reach; providing her with a non-working key can sometimes help her feel that her keys haven't been "taken."
I suggest that you meet as a family first to coordinate a plan. Afterward, hold a family meeting including your father, mother, and siblings—via Zoom if necessary—to ensure everyone is aligned. While these steps are difficult, they are essential for the safety of your mother and others, as well as for your father's well-being. Take care.
My adult sibling drinks to excess and while she functions daily with her job and family, her drinking negatively affects family functions and makes it difficult to want to have a relationship with her It’s not my place to stage an intervention, we do not have the type of relationship. Is there something else I can do? At the very least, how do I talk productively with my teenage children who see the behavior and its impacts?
Answer: Setting healthy boundaries is the priority for both you and your teenage children. For example, you might choose to leave family functions if your sister’s drinking negatively impacts the environment. It is helpful to explain the reason for leaving to your teenagers and discuss the impact of alcohol on health and relationships.
Because addiction is a hereditary disease, it is important to educate your children on their own consumption. Starting to drink early increases the likelihood of developing alcoholism and can have lasting effects on a developing teenage brain.
I recommend seeking support to help maintain boundaries while navigating your relationship with your sister. Regarding an intervention, you are right that it is not your place; your sister must decide to seek treatment herself. Hopefully, by maintaining a relationship while setting firm boundaries, you can encourage her to make that decision. Take care.
Because addiction is a hereditary disease, it is important to educate your children on their own consumption. Starting to drink early increases the likelihood of developing alcoholism and can have lasting effects on a developing teenage brain.
I recommend seeking support to help maintain boundaries while navigating your relationship with your sister. Regarding an intervention, you are right that it is not your place; your sister must decide to seek treatment herself. Hopefully, by maintaining a relationship while setting firm boundaries, you can encourage her to make that decision. Take care.