Dear Abby,
I’ve realized that what exhausts me most isn’t the physical work, but the constant thinking planning, organizing, remembering, and anticipating all the needs of everyone around me. How do you talk about the mental load with your family in a way that leads to real change?

-Burnt Out

You’re asking for real change. Not the “we talked about it once and nothing shifted” kind, but the kind that actually sticks.

The truth is, most of us don’t struggle with wanting change - we struggle with maintaining it when life gets busy and everyone defaults back to old patterns. Because that’s what’s familiar. That’s what’s easy.

You’re already a step ahead just by recognizing that what’s draining you isn’t the physical tasks, but the mental and emotional load you’re carrying for everyone. And when you’re holding all of that… what’s left for you? Probably very little. That isn’t healthy, and it certainly isn’t sustainable - especially not for someone with as many roles as you.

Here comes the part you might not love: talking about the mental load with your family isn’t the first step. It’s not even the second. It’s actually the third. 

Step one: acknowledge that your needs matter - not just internally, but in how your life is structured day-to-day.
Step two: identify the boundaries you need to hold moving forward (because boundaries without follow-through are just well-intentioned suggestions, even with ourselves).
Step three: have the conversation with your family - be clear, direct, and grounded (still nurturing if that’s your vibe… but grounded either way). 

When you speak from clarity, you’re no longer pleading for change - you’re setting the tone for it.

And when you do talk to your family, focus on specifics instead of generalities. Not: “I need more help.”

But, instead:
“I’m no longer managing the entire household calendar alone.”
“I need each of you to take responsibility for these tasks without being reminded.”

You’re not asking for permission. You’re communicating a shift. 

People don’t usually change because they suddenly (or magically) have insight - they change because the system around them changes. When you say, “This isn’t working anymore, and here’s what needs to change, (insert specifics here)" you give others the opportunity to step up. And many people are more willing and capable than we expect.

So, Burnt Out, remember you’re not asking for too much, you may have just been accepting far too little for far too long. With clarity comes change, and you deserve both.